Most weeks everyone of us faces a number of demands upon our life
Events, relationships, circumstances, and situations that demand our time and attention
But, at the same time, there is a personal and private side of life that also needs you to invest some time and effort into it on a regular basis
This is our inner life that deals with the soul and spirit realm – the essence of who we are
But the demands of life can be fairly heavy, consistent, and demanding so we put our soul aside in order to carry on with the demands of life
We all do it
Life goes on, despite our personal struggles
And. Often because of the pace of regular life, we simply neglect our inner life
A friend of mine lost his father on a Wednesday
His company expected him back at the office on Monday
It is hard on our soul
It is hard on our life with God
So, a question arose in my soul the other day:
“Why is kindness toward my own soul so unfamiliar that it is so easy to ignore my own inner need – the wrinkles in my soul – to just ‘carry on with things?’”
Events, demands, expectations
To meet other people’s needs while ignoring my own
Doing what is expected of me instead of what is needed by me
The world requires us to keep going at such speeds that we end up having only one emotional state towards everything
A general, haggard, hazy condition of “on”
I’m on for a phone call from Kazakhstan
I’m on for a chat with a leader in Russia
I’m on for writing five blogs this week
I’m on for a phone call with my sister in Montreal
We live life pretty much on ‘automatic pilot’ without engaging our thoughts and feelings
Life is so busy and so demanding that there’s little to no margin for anything else and so the needs of our soul are stuffed into the corner and ignored time and again
We are so busy being kind to everyone else we fail to show kindness toward ourselves
And, in this regard “Sometimes I’m My Own Worst Enemy”
I came to this realization while reading Paul’s letter to the Church in Ephesus
“So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” (Ephesians 1:6-8 NLT)
God is “so rich in kindness…”
He has showered His kindness on us
This kindness is so lovely and life-giving, we really need to pause — we really should pause — and take time to reflect upon it
Kindness
Such a simple virtue that often takes a back seat to more dramatic qualities like bravery and holiness
And yet kindness is such a wonderful thing to receive
Don’t you love it when people are kind to you?
I sure do!
In a world growing increasingly angry and hostile, a little bit of kindness can make your day
You’re trying to merge into busy traffic and instead of cutting you off, the driver ahead pauses and waves you in
You’re returning some item to the store and, after waiting your turn behind several customers, you get to the counter only to realize you forgot the receipt
“No worries,” the clerk says, “We can take care of this.”
Such simple gestures can totally change your day
Kindness is simply wonderful
If it is so wonderful – so refreshing – I find it interesting that we are seldom kind to ourselves
“Sometimes I Am My Own Worst Enemy”
And, as I have been thinking about all this — I am struck by the power of offering kindness towards ourselves
I was out in the yard this past summer working to assemble 300 pounds of bricks designed to form a fire pit for the yard
I have the base all level and straight – in the center of the yard, well situated
I have read the instructions and moved all 300 pounds of bricks from the front to the side yard and then move them, once again, to the back of the house two at a time
I start lining up the bottom row so they fit tight together and create the circular base of the fire pit
Too wide a circle leaving gaps between … so I move the bricks in closer
Still too wide … so I move all of them again to close the gap
Still too much open space after laying the complete bottom row … so I move them ALL
Now they are too close and I can’t get the last two in correctly … so I move them ALL
By this time I have worked for 90 minutes and achieved nothing but becoming angry and tired with raw finger tips
Finally, I realized what I needed — I need to walk away
I needed to let it go
I needed to sit down and have a coffee and calm down
I needed to express some kindness towards myself
This was totally new to me
Even though I have spent 50+ years telling others how to be gracious to their souls
I have always been hard on my own
So, I began to practice simple kindness toward myself
Demanding less of myself
Giving myself permission to stop and not just keep pushing through
Allowing myself some slack
The fruit of this has been really good on my soul
The ripple effects are good on everyone else around me
In a book I was reading the other day the author was expressing the need to show kindness towards himself
I was all ears – well, all eyes, as I was reading a book
He wrote:
“A friend was in town last week. I felt I ought to invite him to come over. But before I sent the text, I paused and asked Jesus. Not a good call, He said. You’re utterly exhausted. And it’s true — I was wiped out from a week of meetings, mission, and work, and I was about to spend my one and only evening off on further giving, had not Jesus intervened. His counsel didn’t come as a command; it came in the gentle spirit of kindness. He said, Don’t do that to yourself.
Boy, for me this was and is a whole new way of living my Christian life
Experiencing God’s kindness and, as a result, showing kindness to myself
Let’s review the Scripture again…
“So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” (Ephesians 1:6-8 NLT)
So, I began to make some foundational changes
-
-
- I take a one minute pause every hour or so – just to take a deep breath and say thanks to God for … whatever
This is kind
-
-
- I have begun to make room for more walks outside regardless of the weather getting in touch with nature and with my soul
This is kind
-
-
- Unplugging for a short time on a daily basis from the constant barrage of media coming at me — most of which I need for my work and ministry
This is kind
-
-
- Taking whole segments of time when I ignore the phone and all of its related ways to connect with people … they can wait as I am busy being kind to myself
This is kind
-
-
- Taking time both early morning and before bed just to review the condition of my soul
This is kind
I do these things (and others) because they bring me life
I do these things because they make me more aware of God’s presence and peace
I do these things because they heal and strengthen my soul
I do these things because the results are amazing and I would be a fool not to
So what might practicing kindness toward yourself look like these days:
-
-
- Perhaps in the way you talk to yourself, especially when you blow it, mess something up, let a friend down
-
-
- It might be in the pace you are currently demanding that your soul keep up with
-
-
- What about the spoken and unspoken expectations you live by
-
-
- Or maybe the to-do list you currently have for yourself
These are four that I am currently working on correcting to show more kindness to myself
To not be so hard on myself
Because: Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy
Jesus said:
“Love your neighbour as you love yourself” (Mark 12:31)
Jesus is implying a direct link between one and the other
Loving our neighbour is clearly an essential to the Christian walk
I think we all get that one
But the qualifier “as yourself” is lost on most people
It sounds too much like pop psychology – self-help nonsense
Something you’d see on the cover of the magazines at the checkout counter, right next to the articles on “brain superfood” and “how to talk to your pet.”
Yet Jesus was pretty matter-of-fact about the comparison:
Treat people like you treat yourself
Think about it: If we treated our neighbours the way we typically treat ourselves, we would not be great neighbours
So, Jesus drives home healthy self-care (being kind to yourself) as tied directly to how we love others
The truth that arises out of this realization (revelation) is: The way you treat your own heart and soul is the way you’ll end up treating everyone else’s
You may think that it is not like that….
“I’m much more patient with my daughter than I am with myself”
That may be so … in the short term
But over time our lack of patience with ourselves begins to show up in our relationship with others and people notice
If you are a “neat freak,” I guarantee that you show more natural delight when your child straightens up their room to your standards than when they do a less-than-perfect job
“Wow — look at your room! You did a great job!”
The point: How you treat yourself is how you will treat others
The point: How you view yourself is how you will view others
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- Patient with yourself – patient with others
- Love yourself – love others
- Hard on yourself – hard on others
- Judge yourself – judge others
- Accept yourself for who you are – accept others for who they are
- Expect better of yourself – expect better of others
Here’s a key issue:
Most of the time we are completely unaware of how we treat our own heart and soul
Our “way” with ourselves is simply our norm
We have been at it so long we don’t notice how we treat ourselves
In the same way that we don’t notice how much we bite our nails
The way we finish our spouse’s sentences for them
The fact we end most sentences with “eh” (a Canadian thing)
A second key issue:
How we treat ourselves has a direct effect on those around us
The father who doesn’t allow himself his own emotions communicates so much to his children by that practice alone
Not being kind to himself regarding how he is feeling teaches his children to ignore or bury their feelings — Feelings are something to ignore and hold at arm’s length
He further reinforces the lesson when he is visibly awkward and uncomfortable with the emotions of his child
He tries to hurry them through a “comforting” process:
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. You’ll feel better tomorrow”
“How about we get some ice cream”
He is trying to rush the child through their emotions to a place of resolution, teaching them to be as abrupt with their own heart as he is with his
Not being kind to himself on the feelings level teaches his children, by example, to not be kind to themselves on an emotional level
The Fact: The way you treat your heart and soul is the way you’ll end up treating everyone else’s heart and soul
We need to learn that God is gentle and that His kindness towards us is gentle
That He has and is pouring out His kindness on us
“So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” (Ephesians 1:6-8 NLT)
Then we can be kind to ourselves
Then we can take that kindness and let it flow out to others we relate to
His kindness flows both into us and through us to others – gentle grace
Let me apply this to our everyday life where we often face self-imposed unspoken, unrealistic expectations…
I recently received one of those “you must watch” videos forwarded to me
Normally I don’t read, watch, or listen to anything that is forwarded to me – personal policy
But the person who sent it to me has never forwarded anything to me before
And he included an enticing line” “You’ve just got to see this!”
And it was impressive, no question
A beautifully filmed video of a professional dirt bike racer who had taken up surfing and wanted to combine his extreme adventures
So he constructed a dirt bike he could actually ride at high speeds on the ocean. Really!
The gorgeous project was filmed in Tahiti
The climax of the video is him actually catching and surfing a wave on a motorcycle
Impressive! Outrageous!
In a battle for our attention, this one is an easy winner; it seriously an attention getter
And completely unkind
Because the cumulative effect of this stuff sets up all sorts of unspoken, maybe even unconscious expectations within us
I don’t think we have given any thought to what it does to the soul to live in a culture where that kind of stuff is the daily fare
This stuff shows up in my inbox all the time — I know you get them too
First it was base jumping
Folks leaping off cliffs and tall building wearing a parachute or parasail
That becomes routine, so it elevated to jumping without parachutes in “squirrel suits,” flying through the air to safe landing zones
Now that’s routine, so the video I got the other day was of two guys jumping off a mountain with no safe landing zone within miles, flying in squirrel suits through the air and making their “landing’ into the door of an airplane
The incessant upgrade of everything
Always pushing the boundaries
Extreme this, extreme that
It sets up an unspoken set of expectations in our hearts that, unless your life is YouTube ready, your life is stupid
Your life is boring
Studies show that anxiety and depression — and envy — rise in direct proportion to one’s consumption of social media
Because we’re comparing our lives to what’s online
Creeping in is the message that if your life is going to measure up and be wonderful, it has to be fantastic
Men use to get on bended knee to propose to their beloved
Nowadays you’re a loser unless you do it skydiving or kayaking over waterfalls
This phenomenon is shaping Christianity — or Christian practices — and even more harmfully shaping our spiritual expectations
Modern worship bands not only need to be extraordinarily talented musicians, young, and beautiful — BUT their live events must employ multimedia to keep your attention as well
Now church services compete with concert-level staging, lighting, special effects, and films.
The terrible, unspoken assumption creeping in is this:
If you’re going to find God
If you’re going to have more of God
It’s going to come through some amazing experience, something wild and over the top
Or we think that once we have God, the proof will be an over-the-top life … “life not ordinary”
Not true of course
Actually unhelpful and immensely unkind to your soul and mine
This expectation actually makes those deeper experiences of God seem inaccessible for most of us
We do need more of God, much more
Little sips between long droughts will not sustain us
We need more of God in our bodies, our souls, our relationships, our work — everywhere in our lives
But when you live in a culture of the incessant upgrade of everything — the sensational
It gives the impression that if you’re going to have a deeper, richer, amazing experience of God, it’s going to have to come in some sensational way
I have some wonderful news for you: Nope! Not true! Not even close!
Life is built on the dailies
Consider love, friendship, and marriage
Love, friendship, and marriage are not built on skydiving together
Trips to Paris
Kayaking the Amazon River
Perhaps once in your life you might do something like that
But the fantastic is not your daily
Love, friendship, and marriage are nurtured in the context of simple things like…
-
-
- Coffee together
- Hanging out
- Getting a burrito
- Holding hands
- Taking a walk
- Doing the dishes
- Reading to one another
- Just reading different things while you’re together in the same room
- Sharing your thoughts and feeling
- Responding to someone when they have shared their thoughts and feelings
It’s the little things that build a beautiful life – and solid relationships
I know we often tend to live for the big events – the break from the normal
But, life is made up of the “daily things”
If you want to walk in a half marathon – then you start by walking each day and building up the muscles and the stamina
If you want to bike across Canada and raise money for a worthy cause – you start by getting on your bike every day and riding around your neighbourhood and city
If you have a desire and a dream to see the lost come to the Lord by the hundreds as you share in front of large crowds – you start by sharing with those you meet daily as you live your normal life here and now
You are making it second nature so that when you do go out, you can handle what you will encounter
AND, this is how life with God works as well … small steps daily … It’s in the dailies
I do think that God has amazing things or us
I really do
I have been part of some extraordinary experiences with God
I have had global adventures with Him
But, I don’t live there
Getting there, just like getting to love others or anything else that’s wonderful in this life – is in the dailies
It’s back here at home in the little things we do
That is how we practice kindness to ourselves – in the dailies
So, what does extending kindness towards yourself look like right now?
How do you talk to yourself?
What is your “way” with yourself?
Is it harsh?
Unforgiving?
Demanding?
What about the expectations you currently have for getting things done?
Is efficiency running your life and causing you to see things a certain way?
Pace of life is a good barometer too
What’s the pace you’re currently demanding of yourself?
Would you ask the same pace of someone you love?
Ask Jesus…
What is the pace you want for me right now, Lord?
He might have some things He’d like to say to you about that
Not in the negative sense, but in loving directions toward life and then abundant life
Kindness towards oneself means not being driven – but being led by God
Kindness towards oneself means not expecting perfection or even improvement every day
Kindness toward oneself means taking time to be in touch with your feeling and dealing with them as they rise up inside
Maybe just allowing yourself to have feelings
Kindness toward oneself mean’s being gracious about your heart’s slow journey toward God
Kindness toward oneself means to stop trying to measure up to some ideal that you have of who you should be … accepting yourself for who you are and where you are at right now
Kindness toward oneself means stop comparing yourself to others and just be you
Kindness to oneself may even mean to turn off the newsfeed on Facebook and to stop spending so much time on You Tube
Kindness to oneself means living life in such a way that you have both personal space and personal time
God really wants for us to accept His kindness – to receive and live in His kindness
God wants to lead us into rest, beauty, restoration and all that He has planned for us
“So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” (Ephesians 1:6-8 NLT)