Sometimes I Suck At Handling Criticism
The truth is, I suck at handling criticism — especially nitpicking, ignorance-based, selfishly motivated, unjustified criticism.
Alright, I admit it — Sometimes I suck at handling any kind of criticism.
At my age you would think I should be able to rise above it.
I hate the way it always gets to me.
This confession reveals one of my greatest character flaws: I probably care too much about what people think.
I know I should be consumed with pleasing God, but I’m often consumed with the impossible – trying to please other people.
I know it’s wrong, but it’s the truth.
When people take their shots at me, I find myself wanting to defend my actions, justify my behaviour, or even criticize back.
As I struggle with this …
I have learned that the more insecure we are, the harder it is to take criticism.
Because we are insecure in many ways we have a hard time ignoring harsh criticism and those who express them
We are already questioning ourselves, so having someone else apparently find fault with us is pretty hard to take.
I have also learned that the more secure I am in my relationship with the Lord
The more I am aware of who I am “in Christ” and thus living in the assurance of His love and the confidence that comes with knowing I am loved unconditionally
The more secure I am the less other people’s criticisms bother me and the better I handle them
I can handle them in a more constructive manner
I can pull the truths out of the criticism, adjust my life accordingly, and treat my critic with respect and dignity
There is at least 10% truth in every criticism
One pastor writes:
Years ago, one church member’s dog died of old age. Sugar, the fourteen-year-old mutt, went to wherever dog go when they die. I’m very aware that for many people their pets are a vital part of their family, and the loss can be traumatic. So I sent Sugar’s human a card – the only card I’ve ever sent for the death of an animal — intending to follow up with a phone call. In my mind I was displaying exceptional pastoral care.
To my shock, he called me first, extremely upset. At the top of his lungs he shouted, “HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A PASTOR? YOU …DIDN’T EVEN VISIT ME IN MY HOME AFTER I LOST A FAMILY MEMBER!”
The pastor goes on to write: A house call for a dead dog? It never occurred to me.
It is a little unlucky for me that tolerating critical people is part of my job description as someone in full-time ministry
Article 7, paragraph 19.2 – if you want to look it up
And, believe me, people can be and are critical … often over the smallest things
Here is one of life’s difficult realities:
Negative people simply won’t go away
They have been around since the beginning of time — Even godly people in the Bible faced constant criticism
Moses married a foreigner, and for that, his siblings Aaron and Miriam criticized him sharply
The man who wrote two-third of the New Testament, the apostle Paul, was called a hypocrite and criticized for being a lousy speaker
Even Jesus Christ, the Messiah, took heat for healing on the Day of Rest, eating with there wrong crowd, and claiming to be the Son of God
And, I am sure you often face critical people
It could be someone where you work
A family member – even your spouse
Someone you respect who jumps on you and is critical – they think that your clothes, your hair, your attitude are all wrong
You don’t measure up
You are criticized coming and going
You are just never good enough
I battle two wrong desires when I’m criticized
Depending on the day, I’m tempted towards either fight or flight
Both responses are useless and wrong for the believer and follower of Jesus
Most often, my first reaction is to fight — to defend myself and silence the accusers
I feel bitter and I want to retaliate
Experience has taught me that this method usually backfires
My fallback reaction comes when I’m tired for whatever reason … especially tired of the constant battle
When I don’t feel like another fight — I resort to flight
I want to hide
I want to pretend that the criticism isn’t real
I want to quit and move somewhere – anywhere
I want to stick my head in the sand and hope it all just goes away
God’s method is, by the way, better than either of these options
So, I am hoping to give you some useful strategies for dealing with critical people
It is never fun or easy — But it is necessary as critical people are everywhere and in everyone’s life
And we need to learn to handle criticism and critical people if we are going to make any sort of difference in this world
I learned a valuable lesson from one of my mentors — a valuable principle about criticism
They taught me to simply “Consider the source”
In other words, before I focus too much on what’s being said, I should ask myself who’s saying it
The who is often more important than the what
Why is that important?
Well, the who helps me determine my most appropriate response
Instead of fight or flight, the Bible provides three better responses:
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- Listen
- Answer
- Dismiss
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To choose the best of these three in any given situation, we need to know who’s offering the criticism and why
So here are a few pointers in the art of diagnosing, and dealing with, a critic
LISTEN to criticism when it is appropriate
Proverbs 15:31-32 (NLT) says, If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself.”
In other words, some criticism is actually useful and important
Sometimes it’s given by people who care enough about you to risk offending you
Their criticism is constructive
They offer suggestions to help you improve yourself
And, remember:
In any criticism there is at least 10% truth
I try to LISTEN to others when I believe their motives are pure – constructive criticism
When someone you love and trust offers advice, you’re wise to LISTEN and take it to heart
And, this is important, occasionally, someone outside your inner circle may also offer constructive criticism
Outside criticism is hard to receive, but it may help you if you will only LISTEN
So, as my mentor taught me — consider the source
If the source is a mature Christian — someone you can learn from — pay attention
When someone cares deeply about you, the Bible says you’re wise to listen, even if the truth hurts
Even when the criticism is from someone outside your trusted circle – Listen
If you don’t, you are only hurting yourself
Instead of fight or flight, the Bible provides three better responses:
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- Listen
- Answer
- Dismiss
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Let’s look at the second way: ANSWER
Other times, someone may criticize you without the goal of helping
They simply want to voice dislike for you or something that you said or did
We might call this destructive criticism
In this case, you should answer the criticism and the critic
Question: When it it wise to answer the critic and speak to the criticism?
Whenever you think that offering a response can help the critic understand you and your position
BUT, watch your attitude — simply answering can easily turn into defensiveness
Consider answering critics when they are missing important information that could change their perception
Of course, this is assuming they are open to listening and are not simply dumping and running
Maybe they only know part of the story
Perhaps tactfully providing one or two missing detail could transform a critic into a someone who can support you in fighting the rumour and righting the situation
Gideon, one of Israel’s national leaders, gave us a great model for answering criticism
The delegation from the tribe of Ephraim was upset that Gideon didn’t seem to be paying them enough attention
Judges 8:1-2 recounts the story: “The Ephraimites asked Gideon, ‘Why have you treated us like this?’ … And they criticized him sharply. But he answered them…”
Gideon acts wisely
He gave them more information — in this case, information about the high regard in which he held them
He built up the Ephraimites with encouraging and positive words, and his answer helped them understand his heart and his thinking
“When the men of Ephraim heard Gideon’s answer, they were no longer angry” (Judges 8:3 NLT).
Sometimes a soft and wise answer can silence the critics
Try to choose an opportune time for your response
Think out your answer carefully
Prepare your heart to present your explanation in an appropriate way
Gentle, thoughtful and helpful answers sometimes make sense to the person with an open mind
If they are honestly seeking clarification or are simply confused, it is a pleasure to offer understanding
BUT, if my critic is obviously not going to listen, I have to approach them in a different – and very difficult way
Instead of fight or flight, the Bible provides three better responses:
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- Listen
- Answer
- Dismiss
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The third appropriate response to criticism when it is not a valid criticism may be simply to DISMISS it
I am convinced that some people see only the bad side of everything
All of their silver linings have clouds
These horribly miserable individuals have the gift of dragging people down — especially themselves
They are what I call “VDP” people – Very Draining People
I have chosen not to let them do that to me
And, if you face someone who can’t be pleased, dismiss their invalid criticism
Here’s a thought:
Someone said that praise and criticism are windows to the heart
What a person praises and what he or she criticizes tells us a lot about that person
What we praise often reveals what we value the most
If I say that you have a beautiful car, chances are I value nice cars
If I go crazy over your yard, then I value a well maintained flower garden
At the same time, the topics of our criticism often reveal our deepest insecurities
If I criticize you for being overly confident, chances are good they I have a self-esteem problem
If I judge you for living in a nice home, I may battle with materialism or jealousy
When dealing with overly critical people, try to see past the arrows to the struggles that launched them
A striking example of this would be:
A young guy who threw a fit because his roommate was looking at pornography on his computer
With apparently righteous passion, Steve went to his pastor and ranted about his roommate’s lustful sins. He was really critical and wanted to know if he should evict his roommate immediately.
The pastor was able to cool Steve down a few degrees. They prayed for his roommate and then the appointment ended. However, Steve was still boiling about his friend’s sin
The next day the pastor learned some tragic news
Steve had been having a three-year affair with a married woman
Steve’s anger at and criticism of his roommate was really a manifestation of his shame over his own sin and transgression
As I mentioned: Criticism can be a window into the critic’s soul
Perhaps that is why Jesus asked in Luke 6:41-42
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.”
Is someone picking you apart, finding fault with everything you do?
You may simply need to take the third option and DISMISS the criticism and love the critic
However, as you do that you should work at understanding who the critic is and why they are bitter and critical
The person may be emotionally unhealthy or wounded
And it is a fact that “hurt people hurt people”
They usually dislike themselves and criticize others in a misguided effort to validate themselves
If one of these injured souls lobs a criticism grenade in your direction, defuse it with understanding
Part of considering the source (my mentor’s advice years ago) is seeking awareness of what that person may be going through
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- Your critic may be struggling at work
- He may be facing a midlife crisis
- She may be several years into a painful marriage
- Weathering some family problem,
- They may have a dying parent or a sick child
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You just got lucky — you were the closest target
Dismiss the criticism and love the person through their pain
A pastor writes:
One time I was praying during worship, a few moments before preaching. Eyes closed, focusing on God, I felt someone slip a note into my hand.
I never saw who it was, but the note was marked “Personal”
I thought to myself, Someone probably wrote a nice note to encourage me before I preach. A warm, loving feeling settled over me as I unfolded the paper
A moment later, I lost that loving feeling.
Evidently, the note was from a woman who had tried to see me on Friday, my day off. She took offense to my absence and blasted me with hateful accusations
This happened literally seconds before I was to stand up to preach
In that moment, I had a choice.
I could internalize the offense and become demoralized and discouraged.
Or I could ask myself, I wonder what she’s experiencing that caused her to lash out?
I chose compassion over depression.
My heart hurt for her
I knew that such a disproportionate reaction must indicate deep pain, so I didn’t take her note personally
My point: Consider the source
And consider that the jab may come from an injured heart
Dismiss it and move on
Okay …
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- Sometimes you should listen to your critics
- Sometimes you answer your critics
- Sometimes you dismiss the criticism and love the critic
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But what if you can’t ignore them?
What do you do you do when people say things about you that are not true and you try to dismiss them (#3)
But, they resurface again and again and again?
There is a forth response to criticism
And it is not, in any way, an easy thing to do
When critical people just won’t go away, I can only tell you one thing to do: endure
Endurance is critical if you want to succeed at anything that God sets before you
Whenever you veer off the beaten path
Whenever you blaze a new trail
You will be criticized — and sometimes it will be relentless
You must endure
In the church world, I’m grateful for the spiritual trail-blazers
Ten of the twelve original disciples died a martyr’s death spreading the Gospel so that one day I’d hear and believe
The Church Fathers of the first three centuries endured over-whelming persecution for their faith
Martin Luther faced a life-and-death trial for defending God’s Word
Wesley, Finney, Moody, and Spurgeon patiently held up under criticism during the great historical revivals
Modern-day pioneers have endured battles to reshape and renew the church
Someone said you can always tell a pioneer by the arrows in his back
I hope you are a pioneer
Maybe in the business realm, in your family, in your faith, or even in missions
I pray God uses you to break new ground and make an eternal difference
However, when He does, you must brace yourself for more criticism and pain than you might imagine
To move forward in your faith
To succeed at any new venture
To continue to grow spiritually and follow Jesus more fully
To take a stand for righteousness at home or at work
To risk telling a loved one about Jesus
To do whatever it is God is asking you to do
Any area where you need to step out and take a risk will result in someone being critical as you rock the boat or question the status quo
One of the most common pains obedient risk-takers face is the pain of criticism and so we must learn to endure (#4)
Jesus is our greatest model
He was willing to obey His father’s voice no matter what the cost
Hebrews 12:2 tells us to “fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross.”
It’s for the joy and reward set before you that you will often have to endure the critics and the harsh criticism as you move forward in obedience to God
Listen
Answer
Dismiss
(Harder still) Endure
Above all else, never forget
Never forget that you can’t please all people, but you can please God
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never please everyone
It’s an impossible goal
Give up trying to please the unpleasable, and live first of all for God, your Father, who always has a smile ready for you
I love the way Paul says it in 1 Thessalonians 2:4: “Our purpose is the please God, not people” (NLT).
If, like me, you hate being criticized, recognize that the root problem is that we are people pleasers
Once we find freedom from our need for people’s approval, we can focus on the eternal goal of bringing pleasure to God
How do we shake the desire to satisfy and please every human?
The answer is simple: Know who you are in Christ
In Christ we are forgiven
In Christ we are loved
In Christ we are accepted
In Christ we are secure
In Christ we are free to be ourselves
You are who God says you are, not who people say you are
Don’t try to base your life on the unstable foundation of human opinions
Instead, build on the unshakable truth of God
If you have trusted Christ as your Lord and Saviour, the Bible tells you who you are “in Him.”
No matter what anyone else thinks, you are forgiven, loved, accepted, secure, and free
When someone says,
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- You’re not good enough.
- You don’t measure up.
- You made a stupid decision.
- I don’t like your leadership,
- You don’t belong here
God’s Word says that just the opposite …
And knowing and living the truth will allow you to rise above the criticis
Extra material:
Constructive and Destructive Feedback
ConstructiveDestructive
PrivatePublic
Addresses behaviourAddresses personal characteristics
SpecificGeneral
PromptDelayed
PositiveNegative
Suggests actions to solve the problemNo solutions offered
Deference between constructive and destructive criticism
Constructive: Focuses on what the problem is and not the receiving person
Destructive: Lacks specific details about the problem or situation one is unhappy about
Constructive: Explains why the problem or situation is not good
Destructive: Focuses on the individual at fault and not the problem or the situation
Constructive: Suggests ways in which the problem or situation can be improved
Destructive: Does not offer any suggestions about ho the problem or situation can be improved
Constructive: Is done with the intention to help with the situation or to solve the problem
Destructive: Aimed at hurting the feelings, self-esteem, and confidence of the receiving person
Constructive: Intends to educate
Destructive: Intends to embarrass
Constructive: Related to work
Destructive: Feels like a personal attack
Constructive: Helps build on an idea and encourage a person
Destructive: Tears down an idea or a person
Constructive: Makes outcome better
Destructive: Makes the person feel down and discouraged
Constructive: Comes along to help
Destructive: Tries to take over
Five Tips for Handling Criticism:
1> It usually contains a bit of truth
As for the grace to see and admit it, even if it makes you made
2> Don’t let the negative eat you up
We tend to keep negative feedback rather than positive remarks
3> Say a quick prayer for your critice3
It is difficult, but Jesus asks us to pray for those who hurt us
4> The only opinion that real matters is God’s
He is the One who truly knows us and loves us without limits
5> Criticism might be a sign of your fidelity and faithfulness
Often criticism is part of a life rooted in Christ