Within the realm of healthy relationships we have see:
1> You want others to encourage you
2> You want others to appreciate you.
3> You want others to forgive you
4> You want others to listen to you and respond
5> You want others to understand and accept you
How do you feel when you are misunderstood? What kinds of feelings well up inside you? Loneliness? Frustration? Disappointment? Resentment? Rejection? These are common feelings when we have been misunderstood.
Peter Drucker, often called the “Father of American Management,” claims that 60 percent of all management problems are a result of faulty communications. A leading marriage counsellor says that at least half of all divorces result from faulty communication between spouses. And criminologists tell us that upwards of 90 percent of all criminals have difficulty communicating with other people. Communicating is fundamental to understanding and acceptance.
And unless a person truly listens and understands you, you never reach the stage of feeling accepted. Without feeling accepted you will not continue to feel free to share because it will seem to you that others are judging, criticizing, and rejecting you.
A side note:
When someone shares a feeling you should never say “You shouldn’t feel that way.” That is actually rejecting the person’s feelings and thus rejecting them because the feeling is them at the moment. You may not agree with the feeling or the reason behind the feeling – but it is their feeling. It is neither good or bad as feelings are just feelings. What you do with them and about them determines good or bad. So, when someone is sharing a feeling you should work to accept how they are feeling, and let them know that you accept not only the feeling but them having the feeling.
In the last week in this series of blogs we have discovered that in relationships you want others to:
- Encourage you
- Appreciate you
- Forgive you
- Listen to you
- Understand you
As you think about these qualities, consider how they apply to your own life. Perhaps this short course in human relations can help each of us develop qualities that we admire in others:
- The least important word: I (gets the least amount done)
- The most important word: We (gets the most amount done) — relationships
- The two most important words: Thank you — appreciation
- The three most important words: All is forgiven — forgiveness
- The four most important words: What is your opinion? — listening
- The five most important words: You did a good job — encouragement
- The six most important words: I want to know you better — understanding.
In life, you are either going to see people as your adversaries or as your assets. If they are adversaries, you will be continually sparring with them, trying to defend your position. If you see people as assets, you will help them see their potential, and you will become allies in making the most of each other. The happiest day of your life will be the day when you realize “we” really is the most important word in the English language.