Unsafe People – Part Five
We are looking at the personal characteristics of a person who is not safe to invest relational time in. These are people who do not form safe relationships. Having a relationship with them usually ends with you feeling used and abused and definitely unfulfilled and disappointed.
To review, we have discussed six character traits of an unsafe person…
1> Unsafe people think that ‘have it all together’ instead of admitting their weaknesses
2> Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual
3> Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback
4> Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble
5> Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behaviour
6> Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals
7> Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it
Some people feel that they are entitled to trust. We often hear of someone saying, “So you don’t trust me.” Or “Are you questioning my integrity?” Or “You don’t believe me.” They get defensive and angry because someone questions their actions, and they think they are above being questioned or having to prove their trustworthiness. But none of us is above questioning, and to take offence at it is very prideful.
Even the most trustworthy man of all time – Jesus Himself – did not demand blind trust. He told the Jews who were challenging Him, “Do not believe Me unless I do what My Father does. If I am not doing the works of my Father, then do not believe me; but if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father.” (John 10:37-38) In other words, Jesus told them to test what He said by His actions; His miracles proved His words to be true.
If, like Jesus, we are truly trustworthy, we would welcome questioning from our loved ones on our “trustability.” We would want others to see our deeds and actions so that they would feel more comfortable. We would want to know what gives them suspicion or fear and try to do everything to allay those fears. Above all, we would want to make people feel comfortable with us.
In a sense, we should always be open to an “audit” from the ones we care about. If we are truly serious about growing, we want to know if we are unknowingly doing something wrong.
Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart!. Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”
Hidden sins and problems are destructive to us, and if we long to grow, we would want them exposed and healed.
Often when someone does something wrong in the relationship they are quick to regret their actions and say that they are sorry. Remember, regret is not repentance. Then they become angry because we no longer just automatically trust them. After all, they said they were sorry. They have to be confronted and reminded that trust has to be earned and trustworthiness must be demonstrated over time. It is a sad commentary that some husbands and wives are more disturbed but the fact that their spouse won’t trust them than they are at whatever they had done to create that level of mistrust.
In short, we are in no way “entitled” to perfect opinions of us by others. These opinions are earned. Be weary of people who say, “How dare you question my integrity!” They are not safe people.