We are looking at people who are not safe relationally. People who do not make good friends or members of your support team. Unsafe people are common and often we waste time building relationally with them only to see the relationship crash at a time when it is most needed. 

We have looked at…

1> Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting

2> Unsafe people are only concerned about “I” instead of “we”

3> Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it

4> Unsafe people flatter us instead of confronting us

5> Unsafe people condemn us instead of forgiving us

6> Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals

Safe people respect our right to make decisions and adult choices. Unsafe people resist adult functioning. They “don’t agree with our right” to an opinion, a value, or a decision. Unsafe people react to our adultness by withdrawing from it.

This is the opposite of how safe people relate to us. Safe individuals love to see us grow up and mature, and they rejoice when we carry out our responsibility to “fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). They want to see us develop our God-given gifts and talents and use them. Safe people love to see adults being formed.

This is true in all relationships, and especially in parenting. When the Bible tell us to “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6), this doesn’t mean you should decide where the child is to go. Instead, you should help the child discover God’s path for her – even if that means a path you might not have chosen.

The same is true in our friendships. Your closest relationships are, at times, actively working either for or against your growth. In the list below, the first two ways of relating hinder your growth, and the last one encourages it:

• • • • I feel like a kid around them (Unsafe person)
      • I feel like I have to be their parent (Unsafe person)
      • I feel equal to them (Safe person)

I feel like a kid around them (Unsafe person)

In this first type of relationship, you often feel controlled or criticized. The parental person acts as if you can’t make decisions for yourself regarding values, money, job, theology, sex, or politics. He feels resentful when you attempt any major decisions without his approval. So he withholds approval of your decisions until you again resign yourself to being his child – even if you’re in your middle-age years.

Authority roles often lend themselves to these kind of dynamics. For example, bosses, teachers, doctors, and police often act parental, as in “the boss put me down again and made me feel like a child.” It’s important to separate roles from character here. While some parental-types do seek out roles where they can push people around, some just want to do a good job.

Here are some things to look for in the parental person:

• • • He gives me advice without asking if I want it
    • He doesn’t trust my judgment
    • He thinks I need his help in navigating through life
    • He is critical
    • He is disapproving
    • He withdraws when I make adult decisions with which he disagrees

Now suppose you are exquisitely sensitive to critical people. When they confront you, you immediately question your decisions. Put this character problem, with a parental-type person – and you have major problems.

I feel like I have to be their parent (Unsafe person)

You can also have the opposite type of relationship. Here, the roles are reversed. You’re trying to relate to a person who wants you to be their parent. Here’s a hint that there’s a problem: They are neither under eighteen years old nor under your legal guardianship.

With this second subtype of unsafety, your friend is afraid of adulthood with its responsibilities and risks. Can’t fault him for that. But the problem emerges in what he sees as your role: you become either the approval-providing parent, or the authoritarian controller in his head.

For example, he may pressure you to tell him what to do: what clothes to buy, where to work, and what women to date. He may ask you to interpret the Bible for him. On the other hand, he may act like a rebellious adolescent around you, constantly challenging you and accusing you of being controlling.

Neither of these child positions are mature. Both are unsafe. One is over compliant, and one is overreactive. And they can hurt you by not allowing you simply to be an adult: You be you and I’ll be me, and we’ll respect each other. There’s always a power struggle going on here.

I feel equal with them (Safe person)

The safe person doesn’t make you become either a child or a parent. He takes ownership of his life, talents, and values. He wants to “seek first (God’s) Kingdom and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33) on his own, but with your consultation – not your approval. And he wants you to flourish in your life – without needing his approval. Even if you disagree.

You know you’re around a safe, adult person by the following characteristics:

• • • She is not threatened by your differences
    • She has standards, values, and convictions she’s worked out for herself
    • At the same time, she doesn’t have a “right way” and a “wrong way” for everything
    • She functions at least on the same level of maturity as her same-age peers
    • She appreciates mystery and the unknown
    • She encourages me to develop my own values

Remember that we want our efforts to be approved by God (2 Timothy 2:15), not people. Find people who want the same goal for you. 

We have looked at two interpersonal traits of unsafe people…People who are not the best to be building a relationship with and who will not permit the relationship or friendship to be beneficial to both you and them. 

Jesus was a “safe person” and like all safe people He did three things:

1> He drew people closer to God

2> He drew people closer to one another

3> He encouraged people to become all that God created them to be

Unsafe people, however, have a number of interpersonal traits that warn us that this will not be a beneficial relationship:

1> Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting

2> Unsafe people are only concerned about “I” instead of “we”

3> Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it

This interpersonal trait is easy to note in a person. Simply ask yourself, “What does this person do with my ‘No’?”

Love protects the separateness of other people, the right to say ‘no’ and remain separate from the other person. To be an individual that has an identity separate from the other person. When we are in relationship, the “we” is still “you and me.” A safe connection involves two people trusting, opening up, and being honest with each other. Yet the second great theme of relationship, after connection, is separateness.

Separateness is the ability to maintain spiritual and emotional property lines, called boundaries, between you and others. Separate people take responsibility for what is theirs – and they don’t take ownership for what isn’t there.

When we are separate, we bring good things close to our soul, and keep bad things away from us. God created us to stand against what is not from Him: “No one who practices deceit will dwell in My house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in My presence” (Psalm 101:7).

Love withers and dies without separateness. It’s simply impossible to connect if you are not free to disagree. That kind of love is compliance and people-pleasing. It is not real love. “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?” asks Paul. “Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

The opposite of separateness is enmeshment. Enmeshing relationships are those in which one person is swallowed up in the needs of another. In enmeshment, one person feels threatened by the individuality of the other, and actively seeks to control the other by intimidating or manipulating him. In an enmeshing relationship, “together” is bliss (for one), and “apart” is hell (for one). Enmeshment emphasizes similarities and discourages differences in people. 

Safe people encourage, value, and nurture the separateness of other people. They understand that they need their own free choices – and that they need to protect the freedom of other people, too. You will always find that the best connections embrace the individual concern of the other person.

Here are some things to look for in determining safety in this area:

• Do they respect my “no” when I state it?
• Do they withdraw emotionally when I say no”
• Do they get hurt and “make” me feel guilty when I say no?
• Do they have a life (interests, hobbies, friends) separate from me?
• Do they encourage me to have a separate life too?

Now, you may have never said no in your relationships! This problem may be more your issue than your friend’s. So test the waters. Disagree. Be honest. Tell the truth. Choose a value, event, or emotion distinct from his. And see what happens. You will learn a lot about the level of safety in your relationship and wether this person is “safe”. 

We are looking at the interpersonal traits of unsafe people. The last time we saw that:

1> Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting

And we began looking at:

2> Unsafe people are only concerned about “I” instead of “we”

Here we say that empathy is an important factor in any safe relationship. We need to be able to engage in the other person’s life, feeling what they are feeling and understanding what they have gone through and where they are at currently in their journey. We saw that ‘safe people are empathic.’ Let’s continue that today by looking at the fact that ‘safe people act on their empathy.’

Empathy leads to action. When you see the pain of others, you want to help. God created you that way. We spend time listening to a friend’s struggle not because that will make them like us, but because they need to be understood. We help someone with a problem not so that we will feel better, but because they are in trouble and can use our help.  

If you want to know how safe someone is, ask yourself: “Is this person with me for him – or for us?” It is no sin to bring your needs to the connection. But it is a sin to exploit the relationship for your own ends only.

Look for these warning signs:

• • • When he helps me, he uses it later to get something from me
    • I never hear from her unless she is in trouble
    • I feel like a mirror, as if my job is to listen and approve
    • I’m constantly on the giving end (financially, time, resources)
    • When my needs come up, he treats them superficially and then comes back to himself 

When there’s trouble, it will generally show in one person being the chronic “giver” and the other being the chronic “taker.”

Love seeks the good of the other: It is “not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5). When you evaluate your relationships, look for people who show genuine concern for your welfare, then make that concern known in concrete actions. 

So, as we draw the week to a close… We have looked at two interpersonal traits of unsafe people…

1> Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting

2> Unsafe people are only concerned about “I” instead of “we”

Next time … Unsafe people resist freedom instead of encouraging it. They don’t respect established boundaries. 

As we bring this part of the series on unsafe people to a close, let me remind you of where we have been as we discussed the personal characteristics of an unsafe person – a person that is not someone you should chose to build a deep, personal relationship with.

1> Unsafe people think that ‘have it all together’ instead of admitting their weaknesses

2> Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual

3> Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback

4> Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble

5> Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behaviour

6> Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals

7> Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it

8> Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults

9> Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility

10> Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth

In a relationship, honesty is the bedrock foundation of a safe relationship. To the degree that there is deception, there is danger. Often we have heard spouses and friends talk about someone that they “thought they knew,” only to find out that this person was living a whole other life they did not know about. 

There was a report recently about a man whose entire well-being in finances was now gone because he was deceived in a business relationship. He invested the majority of his money with a con artist.

And there are many whose emotional and spiritual security has been wiped out for the same reason. They invested all they had with someone who was deceiving them and found out that their relationship, or their family, or their faith was built on smoke and mirrors. They trusted someone’s love to be real, and found out that the person was deceiving them all along to get things from them.

We are all deceivers to some degree. The difference between safe and unsafe ‘liars’ is that safe people own their lies and see them as a problem to change as they become aware of their deception. Lying gives way to truth, confrontation, humility, and repentance. Unsafe people see deception as strategy to cling to and to manage life and relationships. They defend instead of giving up their lies. And there is no way a relationship can prosper and grow if one person is a liar.

11> Unsafe people are stagnant instead of growing

Each of us has both fixed aspects of our character and things that we can change. For example, a naturally aggressive person will not change to be naturally passive. But that person can learn to channel that aggression in acceptable ways. This kind of change is part of the sanctification process that we undergo as we place ourselves under the Lordship of Christ.

Safe people know that they are subject to change. They want to mature and grow over time. But unsafe people do not see their own problems; they are rigidly fixed and not subject to growth.

Proverbs 17:10 “A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding

than a hundred blows into a fool.”

These people can be dangerous, and they will only change when there are enough limits placed on them that they are forced into great pain, humility, and loss. Without this confrontation, unsafe people will remain defiant and unchanged.

A concluding comment…

Remember, as we look at these 11 character traits of an unsafe person … realize that no one is perfect. Safe people will at times stumble and be ‘unsafe’ for after all, they are sinner too. So do not expect perfection. 

Instead, when you are measuring someone’s character, look at these traits in terms of degree. Everyone lies at some time or in some way, but not everyone is a pathological liar. Look for degrees of imperfection. If a person seems willing to change, forgive him graciously and work with him. But if he resists you, proceed with caution.

Next: Interpersonal traits of unsafe people …